I hate the term "sleep training." It sounds like something you do to a dog. "Oh, let's train Fido to sleep. Good boy, Fido. Here's a treat. No, no Fido. We don't stay awake all night." Anyway, we bit the bullet. I know that sleep training in a young infant is somewhat controversial, but we made the decision that would work best for our family.
After 4 months of a battle to get Lucy down at night (and not even in her crib - anywhere!) and up to 8 or 9 wakings, we knew we had to do something. Our poor baby was not getting good night time sleep, and neither were we! After a trip to the pediatrician to make sure there was no medical reason why she was having such trouble sleeping (there wasn't, and our pediatrician recommended some form of sleep training), I decided to amp up my arsenal of knowledge and figure out how to help my baby. I read these (which in and of itself is a feat with a 4 month old who fights sleep like no other and a full time job):
Before going into all of this, I was adamant that I was not going to try any method that involved crying. I did NOT want to put my baby through anything where she would "suffer." After reading the books and looking at past blogs and posts about Lucy's sleep, it was clear to me that our main problem was Lucy's sleep associations. We have a GREAT bedtime routine (if I do say so myself): she gets a warm bath, lotion and massage, jammies, a story or a song, and nurses off into dreamland. Daddy turns on her "music" - white noise - and humidifier and turns off the lights, and Mommy rocks and feeds Lucy until she falls asleep. All perfectly peaceful (much more peaceful when we moved bedtime up to between 7 and 8 - she was way too overtired with a later bedtime). The problem came when we would try to move her to her crib or bassinet. If she didn't wake up right away, which she often did, less than an hour later she would be up with blood curdling screams.
Let's use this analogy: if you are asleep in your bed at night, and your pillow falls on the floor, you can quickly replace it without even realizing that you woke to do it. BUT, if you awake to realize someone moved your pillow to another room, you would wake more fully, becoming angry that things were not how you left them when you went to sleep. This is exactly what was happening to Lucy - she was falling asleep very contently in my warm arms, sucking while I rocked her. Then we were moving her to her cold(ish), still bed, with nothing to suck on. She was waking up pissed! :) The cycle continued all.night.long. I could get her back to sleep fairly easily by nursing or rocking her, but each time her sleep cycle ended, she would need me to get back to sleep (instead of being able to automatically shift into a new sleep cycle, which we all do without even realizing it). At almost twelve pounds and four months, there is absolutely no reason why I would need to feed her every hour.
We had to figure out our ultimate goal: for us, it was to get Lucy to sleep easily *in her crib* and to cut down on night-time wakings. After reading and researching and pulling my hair out, we decided a modified Ferber approach would work best for us. Ferber has a bad rap as the "cry it out" guy, and I did NOT want to let my baby cry. However, Pantley's NCSS methods didn't provide me much insight into how to get Lucy down initially at night, and that was/is a huge problem for us. We did spend a few nights at the beginning of this week with the Pick Up/Put Down method, but it was impossible to do that all night long and we were making no progress. Soooo...
Lucy was super sleepy last night after a day of bad naps (which I think correlates directly with poor nighttime sleep) and after a fun dinner and some shopping, we came home and did our bedtime routine. I fed her in our chair and snuggled with her (maybe whispering how sorry I was - I knew what was to come, she didn't!). As soon as she unlatched, I stood up, gave her a kiss and told her I loved her, and we put her in her crib. *Then we walked out of the room.* She was still awake, and she screamed and cried. It was so sad - so sad, in fact, that I put a pillow over my ears and shed a few tears myself. Luckily, the first interval is only 3 minutes, so after 3 minutes of crying, I literally ran down the hall to her room. Ferber doesn't advocate picking up the baby to soothe them, but I had to. I scooped her up, covered her little tear-soaked head in kisses (while Andrew rubbed my back and whispered that it was okay), and told her I loved her. After a minute, we put her back down and left the room again. This time, we had to be gone for five minutes... it felt like hours. After the five minutes passed (and she was still screaming and crying), we ran back to her room again. Again, I picked her up and covered her in kisses and cursed Dr. Ferber. Again, we put her back down and left the room, this time for 10 whole minutes. Also, I should note for my own memory, each of the times we went in to soothe her, she did NOT stop crying or settle down, and according to "the books," that is okay. The point is to let her know that we are there, we didn't go away (and to reassure ourselves that she is still okay, despite the cries!). After 10 more minutes of crying, I almost caved. I wanted so badly to bring her swing to her room (as we have been doing) and let my poor baby get some sleep because I knew she was so exhausted. However, I did not want to undue the 18 minutes we had just done. I didn't want her to have cried like that for nothing, and Andrew did a great job of reminding me that we were helping her. Better sleep would mean a happier baby.
The second 10 minute interval proved to be the winner. We left her room and she cried for maybe 6 more minutes. Then... quiet. We were both afraid to move for fear of waking her up. We sat in our room very, very still for about 10 minutes. Then, curiosity got the better of Andrew and he walked down the hall to her room. He came back with a triumphant look on his face - she was asleep! We were thrilled! 28 minutes in the grand scheme of things didn't seem so bad - I had read that it could take hours! I jumped in the shower and was taking my time... and then I heard her crying on the monitor. Grrr... she had only been asleep for 38 minutes.
Using our approach, at each waking we started back with 3 minute intervals (then 5, then repeating 10s). This time, she fell asleep in the first 10 minute interval. We were bursting with pride! I decided to get some sleep at this point (10:00), knowing it could be a long night. Before I fell asleep, we decided that any time after 12:30 she woke, I would feed her (as our ultimate goal is not to eliminate nighttime feedings, but just to reduce the frequency). She slept until *12:45*! Holy hell - that was almost 3 hours! When I heard her at 12:45, I rushed to her room, kissed her all over, and nursed her in our glider. When she finished eating, I sat her up and burped her, ensuring that she was awake, although drowsy. I placed her in the crib.... and didn't hear a peep!!! She went right to sleep!
We decided that if she woke again before 3:30 (almost 3 hours between feedings - totally doable for her), we would not feed her, but instead start the intervals again. While I was secretly hoping she would do another 3 hour stretch so we could avoid the intervals all together, I knew it wasn't likely. And I was right. :) She woke up about 2:15 and we went in after 3 minutes. Still crying. Went in after 5 minutes. Still crying. Sh!t. This was harder still in the middle of the night. After 10 minutes, she wasn't crying, though still fussing so definitely not asleep. We waited an extra 10 minutes since she wasn't crying, but she started all out wailing again, so we went in to comfort her. I didn't pick her up. Six minutes after we left... asleep! Go Lucy!
She woke again around 4, and I knew at this point she was ready to eat. I followed the same routine as the 1245 feeding, and had the same great success. She ate, burped, and went right back to sleep. We didn't hear her again until 7:00!
I was greeted this morning by that sweet, gummy smile I love so much. My irrational fears that she would hate me were dissipated as she grabbed my hair while I changed her and flirted with me as she nursed. I don't think I have ever had more fun during our morning play time, and my snuggle puppy is now napping sweetly in her swing.
As a parent, this is definitely the hardest thing I have had to do. I want my baby to be happy and well-rested. I want her to feel safe and secure. I know that we are just starting this craziness. Tonights intervals are longer (5, 7, 12) and I know it will suck. However, I know we can do it. I know she can do it... and I will be so proud of her in the morning. By letting her cry (in a controlled, safe place for a reasonable amount of time), I *am* being a good mommy. I am helping her to learn a life skill that she needs to know. I will be waking up to feed her one or two times a night for a few more months (hopefully!), and I think we will cherish those times together - especially since it won't be every hour!
Sweet dreams baby girl... Mommy loves you!
**I want to add that my husband was an absolute rock last night. I know it killed him, too, to hear her be upset, and while he hasn't done the extensive research that I have, he really wants to help Lucy get better nighttime sleep. Every time I was ready to give up, he kept reminding me how we were doing this to help her and how much happier she would be. He also kept telling me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. I've got a keeper there, folks. :) **
